Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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