Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
So much rum. So many feels.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
