Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
