He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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