I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
