My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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