found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
