I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
