Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
