I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
