Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
