Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I intend to get homeless drunk
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
