i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
