she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
