I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
