what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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