My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
