Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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