Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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