She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
