I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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