I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
