Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
