i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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