barbara walters just said penis...
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
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