whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
