Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
