It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
