The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
