I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
