The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
