theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
he was CRYING into my vagina
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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