I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
