HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
