I think I died a long time ago.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
