I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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