At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
