turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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