I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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