I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
