I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
