I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
