I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
