You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Randomize
