he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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