oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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