I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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