tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I look better un-naked...
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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