my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
