community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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