I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
