she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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