imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
