theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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