He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
