at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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