just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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