o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
