I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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