the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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