Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
