Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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